Projections

Projections are one of our many defense mechanisms that get activated by a host of different thoughts and feelings. Have you ever blamed or been the recipient of blame for something that you didn’t think or feel? I would imagine undoubtedly the answer is yes. Projection is a defense against unwanted feelings displaced or projected onto another person. This looks something like this: You experience uncomfortable, unacceptable, or embarrassing emotions or qualities that you don’t want to feel; therefore you project them onto other people to carry them for you.

For example, you may project that someone doesn’t like you when in fact you are the one that doesn’t like them. If you have a belief system that states you should like everyone, projecting that someone doesn’t like you protects you against not liking him or her because after all, they don’t like you, right? (wrong). Here’s another common example; you may accuse your partner of cheating when in fact you are the one cheating or fantasizing about it.

We are often not good at sitting in and feeling our own pain. We alleviate that pain by letting others hold it for us. While this tactic may feel good in the moment, it isn’t long lasting nor is it a solution. So what do we do about those icky feelings we want to rid ourselves of?

Adaptive Solutions

1)   Recognize Triggers: When we are triggered we become, according to Daniel Goleman, “amygdala hijacked.” The amygdala serves as the emotional part of the brain responsible for regulating the fight, flight, or freeze response. When triggered (threatened) it can respond irrationally. Stress hormones flood our body and take over before our prefrontal lobes can mediate this reaction. Therefore, recognizing how and when you are triggered before it happens, can help prevent the hijack from occurring.

2)   Take a Deep Breath: This is as simple as it sounds. Taking a deep breath when you are triggered can prevent you from reacting in the moment. Taking a few deep breaths actually slows down your nervous system by bringing the executive functioning part of your brain (prefrontal cortex) back online. This enables you to think more clearly and rationally, and to respond rather than react in the moment.

3)   Adjust expectations: If you continue to be activated by the same person or scenario, sort out what part you have control over vs. what part you don’t. Knowing what parts are not yours to own can help to alleviate the need to control a situation that will likely leave you feeling depleted and upset.

Goleman, D. Emotional Intelligence: Why It can Matter More Than IQ. New York: Bantam Books, 1995.

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Goals

“Progress not Perfection” Misti Gueron, MS, RDN

This quote, stated by a colleague of mine in reference to a patient discussing weight loss and diet, really got me thinking. How often do we set ourselves up for failure? Meaning, how often do we set goals only to beat ourselves up when we don’t reach our goal? Whether we have short-term or long-term goals, how can we set realistic and attainable goals?

1) Set a goal that is motivating

If you don’t want to do whatever it is that you are setting out to do or change, it is going to be quite difficult to achieve said goal. Perhaps you dislike working out but really want to lose those last few pounds. Maybe you want to have more personal or quiet time, but have a demanding lifestyle. Undoubtedly, you will encounter roadblocks to attaining your goals; otherwise they wouldn’t be your goals, as they would have already been attained. Think about what it is about the goal that motivates you. For example, what is the VALUE in the goal you are setting? Is losing the last few pounds or having quiet time valuable to you? What are you willing to do to achieve that goal? Does the value outweigh the obstacles?

2) Write it down

Have you ever tried to multi-task by reading something while responding to a conversation simultaneously? If so, I am guessing that while responding via writing or talking, you may have said or typed a word you were reading rather than what you meant to say. That is because it is very difficult to write a thought while thinking about another thought. Writing down your goals helps you concentrate on the goal and remember the goal. Research suggests that writing things down by hand helps you learn and cement the concept (Mueller & Oppenheimer, 2014).

3) Make a plan

Having a plan for how you are going to attain your goals helps to orient you to how you will achieve them. We often get fixated on the end result and forget the steps involved in the process. Make a list so that you have a guide and something to follow and check off as you complete steps along the way. 

4) Tell someone

Accountability is critical. We hope to be accountable to ourselves but sometimes we can cheat ourselves or convince ourselves, for example, that we deserve to have the dessert because we “earned it” even if our goal was to eliminate dessert. Research suggests that having someone to be accountable to increases our efforts and attainability (Irwin et al., 2012). If we can’t be accountable to ourselves, having someone who knows what we are trying to attain can help remind us of our goals.

5) Progress, not perfection!

Progress, not perfection really is as simple as it sounds. No one is perfect, and understanding that achieving anything worthwhile in life takes hard work and dedication. Essentially, don’t give up. It’s expected that some days will be harder than others, but reach out for help if needed and try to remember what motivates you to achieve the goal in the first place. In the end; it’s progress, not perfection.  ;)

Irwin, B.C., Scorniaenchi, J., Kerr, N.L. et al. ann. behav. med. (2012) 44: 151. doi:10.1007/s12160-012-9367-4

Mueller, P. A., & Oppenheimer, D. M. (2014). The pen is mightier than the keyboard. Psychological Science, 25(6), 1159-1168. doi:10.1177/0956797614524581

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Disappointment

Disappointment is a real bummer. If you’re like me, you have suffered many in your lifetime already. Disappointments, like most things, come in all shapes and sizes. Not getting the job you wanted, a break-up, missing the train, or perhaps your presidential candidate didn’t win the election. But what are we supposed to do with all of the feelings that come up with disappointment?

1) Acknowledge your feelings surrounding the disappointment. A lot of the time we tend to avoid our real feelings because it is too difficult to feel, so we choose ways to distract ourselves or numb out with maladaptive coping mechanisms (strategies that do not increase our functioning or make us feel better in the long term) such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, Netflix, etc. Owning our feelings can be very empowering. Your feelings have nothing to do with anyone else because they are yours. While feelings don’t always indicate reality, honoring our feelings and knowing that it’s okay to feel can help us move forward.

2) Keep things in perspective. When we are dealing with a disappointment, it can feel all encompassing. Know that the intensity of what you are feeling now will lessen with time. This isn’t the first time you have dealt with disappointment and I would imagine that you have survived prior disappointments. So when it feels like it’s the end of the world, revert back to evidence to support the notion that you have survived other setbacks. Take a walk, take a deep breath, and do something that feels good for your soul.

3) Make a gratitude list. This may sound elementary or even silly but research suggests that making a gratitude list can really change our moods and our outcomes. Have you ever heard that what we pay attention to defines us? Taking time in the early morning or evening to outline what we are grateful for can shift our thoughts and our feelings. Think about something right now that brings you joy. What was that like for you? Did a smile cross your face? It’s really hard to think of something positive and not feel a physical response.

4) Keep on keeping on. This one is simple; don’t give up. Know that we experience ups and downs as part of life. Of course we enjoy the ups probably more than the downs but experiencing the downs can often help us feel the ups even more. Or at the very least, appreciate the ups more. There are valuable lessons in failure if we are willing to look deeper. There has never been a successful person that hasn’t experienced some sort of failure, loss, or disappointment.  This too shall pass. 

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Fear

How many of you are living in fear, or making decisions based on fear? Fear? Oh no, not me. But consider how often fear either paralyzes you or causes you to do things or think things that aren’t healthy or even causes you harm.

This can look like fear of making the wrong decision or maybe fear of making the right decision.  For example, what if I got everything I ever wanted? Would I be happy? Would I want more? Or maybe I don’t even know what I want. Am I dating the right person? Am I putting my career before having children? What if I’m an old mom or an old dad? What if I don’t want children but I decide to have them because what will life be like when I’m old? Perhaps I will want them then? Who will take care of me if I choose to have pets over children? What if I am not successful? What will people think if I quit my job? What will my family think about my choices? I don’t like this job, but I’m staying because I need the money.  Perhaps this is my dream job but I don’t get paid enough to pay my bills. Maybe I will quit because I need money. Maybe I will stay job because it pays me well, but I hate it. Man, I always feel bad about myself after hanging out with this friend, but we’ve been friends since grade school, so I should keep them in my life.

The truth is, fear is real and we often make decisions that are rooted in fear, often fear of the unknown. This is where anxiety lives - the “what-if” scenarios. We make choices all day long; from what to wear to what to eat to what route to take to work each day, to what emails to respond to, etc. etc.  Our choices affect us, but they don’t have to define us. It’s normal to feel uncertain or question your choices, but when the what-if’s start to control you, it’s time to take a closer look and ask yourself; what do I want; is this working for me; and how can I better help myself or ease some of the anxiety I am feeling?

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